One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
