He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
