I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
