I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
