Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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