We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
