Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
