it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
