My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize