Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't deserve a penis
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
