I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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