Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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