I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
