So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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