I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
