Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
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My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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