turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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