cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Randomize
