god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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