No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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