what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
