They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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