The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
