textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
