he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
