i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
