I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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