I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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