Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
