My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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