dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She told me I should be a condom model.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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