I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
