Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
