I look better un-naked...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
