The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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