you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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