Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Alive.
So much puke
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
