This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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