ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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