Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
