saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
