Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
