I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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