I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
