dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
