is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
did i walk over a car last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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