Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
