I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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