Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
