If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
His hands were made for my vagina.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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