You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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