I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
