Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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