You really coming over, don't trick.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
