I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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