I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if only i could text you this smell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize